[ 2023 ][ Healthy Habits ][ work at home mom ]

I’m Not The Girl I Used To Be, And I Miss Her

For many years I have joked about not being the same person I was, way back when I liked myself.

You see, once upon a time, I was funny and I liked myself.  It was a time when most other people at the same age were just figuring out who they were, but I knew exactly who I was at that moment, and she made me laugh.  I wasn’t popular.  I wasn’t super smart or extra pretty or incredibly thin.  I was friends with those girls and I adored them.  I wasn’t a class clown, but I was funny, and I cracked myself up.  I liked that best about myself back then.  Never taking anything too seriously, knowing that high school wasn’t going to make or break me.  Some days though, I wish I could just go back and do it again, maybe even on repeat.

50 First Dates (2004) - IMDb. Images may be subject to copyright.

Don’t get me wrong, I love a good Drew Barrymore/Adam Sandler rom-com, but what if you woke up everyday believing it was the same day, over and over again?

First of all, growing up in the 80s and 90s, movies gave us a false sense of what romance and true love could be.  Wouldn’t it be amazing to live in a John Hughes film?  I mean, Jake Ryan, am I right?  And what about Samantha, Andie, or Claire?  Who didn’t want to be some iteration of a Molly Ringwald character?  Or a mashup perhaps?  Was there ever a ginger so well loved?  I mean, before Ed Sheeran of course!

So even though 50 First Dates didn’t hit theaters until 2004, we Gen Xers were so ready for a movie where the lead male character must find a way for that leading gal to fall in love with him.  Over and over and over again.  Can I get a symphonious sigh?

Would you relive your teenage years?

How many times in our lives are we asked that?  I think most people would say “no.”  I however loved my teenage years and the thought of reliving them, even if I simply made the same mistakes over and over again, would be just fine by me.  I literally had the time of my life, to quote another famous 80s pop culture reference.  So to jump into a “forgetful Lucy” like state and relive just one teenage day over and over again, I might just do it.

I think she’s still here, somewhere.

I know other people catch glimpses of the girl I used to be.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m still funny, I just don’t find myself funny.  Isn’t that odd?  Most days I feel like I’m wearing someone else’s skin, just peering out at the world.  I think there’s still some of that girl left, inside this shell.  I’ve thought about what it would take to get her back, bring her out from wherever she’s hiding.  Is it just losing the extra weight of the last 30-ish years?  Is it working harder at being a better friend?  Because if the answer is going out and “people-ing” I’m working on that one, it’s much harder now than it was before!

Memories are great, but we shouldn’t live there.

I was going through photos recently and found one from a particular day in June of 1994.  It was the beginning of the summer before my senior year of high school.  I was a month away from turning 17.  I was working for a local pizza parlor and just enjoying being a kid.  If I could, that is the day I want to go back to.  I would live there FOR-EV-ER.  That girl was the most “me” I have ever felt.  It was the perfect place in time between being a child and an adult, and I wish more people understood how precious those moments are.

But I can’t go back.

I realize I can’t go back, and I don’t want to live in 2023 dreaming about 1994.  What a waste of time and energy that would be!  What I can do is work on myself and the things within my control.  I don’t need to be the same size as 1994 Heidi, but I want to be a healthy version of today’s Heidi.  I don’t have to go back to school in order to learn new things, I mean, I’m a homeschool mom for crying out loud, I learn new things every day!  I still find myself funny, just not in the same ways, but maybe that’s okay for now.  I’m just as loud, if not louder, than I was way back then, I simply choose when and where to assert that voice.  And to the embarrassment of my children, I still dance as much now as I did back then, even if no one is watching.

So I’m curious…  Would you go back?  Would you do it all again the same way or perhaps make changes to yourself or your decisions?  

And if you find yourself not liking who you are today, don’t worry too much, you will be a different person tomorrow, or next week, or next year, and maybe you will like them more.  Or you could join me on my adventure of finding the lost parts of me that I loved so much once upon a time.

No matter what stage you are at, I am proud of all that you have accomplished and here cheering you on your journey!


  1. This post made me cry. There is a quote I heard once, i’m not entirely sure this is the exact quote, but it was something like this, “I wish I could go back in time, not to change anything, but to feel the same things twice”. I would definitely go back to our teen years. You were my favorite person and yes, you were hilarious! I also thought you were beautiful and kind and understood me when nobody else did. You were the keeper of my secrets, the one person I could be myself around and not worry about being judged. As I grew older I never ever met another friend like you. I would definitely go back, though just to experience the fun we had dancing in your bedroom and singing, trying to learn how to do our hair and make up.I would love to trade bodies with my teenage self for health reasons but I’d never change a thing. Well, maybe one thing, I’d probably not shave the eyebrows off the girl that moved away on me. Instead, I’d tell her I loved her and I missed her and I was sad she wasn’t around and that life was never the same without that loud punky Brewster girl by my side.

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