I feel like a fraud saying “again” because I’m not sure I ever have. Loved myself, that is.
Once upon a time I at least liked myself. So that’s where I’ll start. Learning to like myself again. I’m not sure if that sounds difficult or easy, but I just know it doesn’t come naturally for me. Ironically, when it comes to other people, I’m like a hyperactive puppy.
We moved a lot when I was younger and we all know that kids can be mean. Even with a large family filled with love, the memories that truly stand out to me, for certain people, are the ones that criticize. I’ve always been too much in ways that are not traditionally flattering. Too loud, too fat, too independent, too immature. Survival instincts are strange. You would think that I would have been less to avoid attention.
Even more strange, I loved my teenage years. I was not popular, or athletic, or “pretty”. But suddenly all of the things that I was were enough for me. I was funny, I paid attention, I was thoughtful and kind. I didn’t tone down my loudness or my immaturity. My weight didn’t bother me because I was healthy and I felt really good. That independence I had just grew and I rarely, if ever, followed along with the crowd. I want to be that version of myself again. I want to be that version of myself forever.
Over the years I let a lot of things change me. Jobs that didn’t support me. Customers that were abusive long before I owned my own business. People that reminded me I was too loud, too immature, too much. I let those things chip away at who I was. I let them hollow me out then fill me back up with hot air. It feels full, bloated, but there’s an emptiness that eats away at all of the things I loved. Like a black hole that keeps growing inside of me.
So I do the little things that remind me of who I want to be. I laugh more because the world is crazy and I don’t mind being silly about it. I let go of what’s not important, because I have so little control over so many things. I tell myself that the person I used to be is still somewhere inside me, she never stopped fighting to be heard and seen, I just have to start being her again.
My blog has been many things over the years, but the most important is a place for me to share who I am. It’s a place that is just mine, where I can be my most authentic self. It’s where I will share my thoughts as I learn to like myself again.
